{"id":3568,"date":"2026-04-27T17:24:08","date_gmt":"2026-04-27T17:24:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/hiddenscars.org.au\/2025\/?p=3568"},"modified":"2026-04-27T17:24:37","modified_gmt":"2026-04-27T17:24:37","slug":"my-mother-refuses-to-admit-she-was-abusive-and-violent","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hiddenscars.org.au\/2025\/my-mother-refuses-to-admit-she-was-abusive-and-violent\/","title":{"rendered":"My mother refuses to admit she was abusive and violent"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

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The question <\/strong>I would like some advice on how to approach my mum as my siblings and I have found it increasingly difficult to relate to or even like her. One brother can\u2019t even see her any more as it upsets him so much.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our mother dealt with the frustration of having a <\/em>large, young family by screaming at my dad, which created a divide in the house<\/em>. I remember loving my father and being confused as to how I should behave towards him as he was the object of such anger. I found myself swept along in this feeling of dislike towards him. Mum\u2019s propensity for aggression won out over Dad\u2019s passivity. I\u2019m grateful that I had a good relationship with him as an adult before he died.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mum was also aggressive and violent towards us. She once threw a full cereal bowl at me, because I wet the bed. But, despite her temper, <\/em>she fed and watered us and sent us off to school. We\u2019ve all come out sort of OK.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

As adults we have <\/em>tried to talk to her about how it felt growing up. We\u2019ve acknowledged it must have been difficult for her<\/em>. I don\u2019t think it is fair to blame your parents for everything, <\/em>but it\u2019s difficult to build a better relationship with her <\/em>when she is in denial <\/em>and insists we all had wonderful childhoods.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A while ago, she brought up an incident of washing out my mouth with soap and water, because she thought it was funny. I told her it was unfair, traumatic and not funny at all. She just ignored me. Since my father died, she talks of him in glowing terms and denies that she was ever contemptuous of him or turned us against him.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Philippa\u2019s answer <\/strong><\/em>As I read your email I tasted soap in my mouth \u2013 it is not nice at all and certainly isn\u2019t funny. You may be adults now, but back then you had no choice. You had to live with threats, violent incidents and her explosive temper. You do acknowledge that her life cannot have been easy, you are fair about that, but she didn\u2019t have to have children (or so many). Maybe she could have sought help and support to learn to manage her outbursts, but didn\u2019t. These were her choices, not yours.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I doubt she is ever going to try to understand your childhood from your point of view as it doesn\u2019t sound as if she can put herself in anyone else\u2019s shoes to imagine how they felt and then feel for them. You and your siblings have tried. It sounds like she has rewritten the past and made herself the heroine of it. I am not hopeful of the possibility of her daring to be vulnerable enough to acknowledge what it was like for you all or admit that she made some mistakes, which means your relationship in the present will probably remain superficial. It\u2019s not what you\u2019d like, but it\u2019s probably what you\u2019ll get.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Does your mother see you for who you really are, aside from beingor as an extension of her?<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

What do you want and what do you get from your involvement with her as an adult? Does your mother see you for who you really are, or as an extension of her? Are you in her life from a sense of duty or because you are scared of her? Or do you enjoy some aspects of being with her and want to stay close to her? Are you still there because you think there\u2019s a chance that one day you will get some validation for how you experienced your childhood? I wouldn\u2019t put a bet on that happening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you want to continue to have her in your life, my hunch is you will have to accept her as she is and have no expectations of her ever changing. If she says something preposterous, like the soap incident being funny, don\u2019t disagree, just gently bat it back so it doesn\u2019t get under your skin. Say something like: \u201cI see, you remember it as funny.\u201d Don\u2019t argue, don\u2019t put out your vulnerable truths or feelings in front of her for her to trample on. If you can protect yourself like this, you can continue to see her and appreciate her for what good points she may have, and for keeping you alive. I\u2019m not sure having a cereal bowl thrown at you was the best way of doing this but, as you say, she did do it. By the way, children continue to wet the bed past the time they have bladder control when they are frightened or stressed. Have compassion for that scared little child that was you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t blame the brother who has decided he cannot see her any more, because it must be crazy-making when your truth is trashed by your mother. A parent\u2019s opinion and views usually have more weight on a child or adult child, than other influences. Only see her if you feel strong enough and, if she reinvents your past, remember: don\u2019t engage. I don\u2019t know what sort of damascene moment she would need to change, and I cannot think what would bring it about, as your brother\u2019s boundary hasn\u2019t changed anything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You could read Toxic Parents<\/a><\/em> by Susan Forward or The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read,<\/a><\/em> by me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Philippa Perry\u2019s The Book You Want Everyone You Love* To Read *(and maybe a few you don\u2019t) is published by Cornerstone at \u00a318.99. Buy it for \u00a316.14 at guardianbookshop.com<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk<\/a>. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n